


Meraculous Tails

by snekwami



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Multi, half of this is kimdine fluff and the other half is nonsense trash, lowkey Adrimax if you squint, oh god please don't take this seriously
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 14:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15269130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snekwami/pseuds/snekwami
Summary: The ups and downs of dating a human who is also lowkey a fish.





	Meraculous Tails

**Author's Note:**

> Listen Kim was so into Syren in the episode okay he's a scalie and it's CANON
> 
> ...That aside, I did randomly write the beginning of this and post it to my tumblr ages ago, and then my brain kept throwing random stupid ideas at me so I just decided to keep going and use it as an excuse to write more Kimdine fluff, because lord knows this fandom needs more of it. It probably won't be too long.
> 
> (Shoutout to @purrincess-chat for coming up with the punny title!!)

“Kim, are you a scalie?”

Kim was not sure he had heard correctly. Why would Max be asking him that? He looked at his arms, but his skin seemed to be totally normal, no scales anywhere in sight.

“Of course I’m not scaly,” he said.

“I didn’t mean the adjective, I meant the noun,” Max clarified. “A scalie.”

“What’s a scalie?”

He hadn’t realized Alix was listening in on the conversation too, considering she was so tiny he hadn’t even noticed her standing there at all, until she piped up. “It’s like a furry, but for fish.”

“Not necessarily,” Max said. “The term covers a broad range of animals, and is actually mostly used to refer to reptiles. But yes, in this case I was definitely referring to fish. So, are you one?”

Both of them were watching Kim with smug grins, arms folded. He stepped back quickly in horror.

“Of course I’m not a fish-furry! Why would you even say that?!”

Max cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. “Well, let’s see. The events of Ondine’s akumatization the other day caused her to turn into a mermaid-like siren, a creature that is part human and part fish. Before this occurred, you were not remotely interested in dating her. After she transformed and took you underwater, however, you seem to have become rather attracted to her, resulting in you asking her out.”

“So?”

“So it means you’re in love with a fish, dumbass,” Alix said. “Therefore you’re a scalie. It’s science.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Kim snapped. “I’m not a… I mean, I like Ondine as a human too, okay?”

“Yes, but only after you saw her as a fish,” Max said, raising his eyebrows.

“She wasn’t a total fish! She was only, like, half fish!”

“That’s still enough scales.”

“Oh come on, she was super pretty!”

“You’re just proving our point.”

Kim rolled his eyes. “Why do you care so much anyway?”

“I made a bet with Marinette at the beginning of the year,” Max admitted. “She claims you’re a traditional furry. But I guessed that scalie would be more accurate, considering how much you used to tell me about your crush on Ariel way back when–”

“Shhh, don’t bring that up!” Kim said quickly, trying to ignore Alix’s annoying laughter in the background. “Look, I’m not a scalie, I like Ondine as a human and the only reason I wanted to kiss Syren was because she said it would turn me into a merman, which sounded really cool…”

“Wait, you wanted to kiss Syren?!”

Kim clapped a hand over his mouth. Why couldn’t he just _think_ before he spoke? Yes he had wanted to kiss Syren, but – but that didn’t _mean_ anything! He hadn’t wanted to tell anyone about that!

And now Max was trying to restrain his laughter too. “Kim, you’re not making a very good case for yourself here…”

That much was true. Even he could see how easy it was for his friends to mistake him for being a scalie, even though he definitely, totally, was not. Wanting to kiss a mermaid akuma? Fair enough, that seemed suspiciously scalie out of context. Only realizing he liked her thanks to her very pretty akuma form? That seemed somewhat scalie as well.

But it wasn’t like he had fallen totally in love with her or anything. It wasn’t like he daydreamed about her, back in her akuma form, making an underwater kingdom just for him and taking him there again. It wasn’t like his dreams were filled with fishy kisses that he didn’t even _allow_ himself to think about when awake. It wasn’t like he caught himself thinking about her gleaming scales, or those flippers on her feet, or that fin on her back, or…

He looked down at the floor, suddenly aware he was sweating. Well… that was because he was thinking about Ondine, right? And he had finally stopped being oblivious about liking her as much as she liked him, so that made sense, _right?_

But no… he wasn’t really thinking about Ondine. The reason he was sweating was because he was thinking about _Syren_. And maybe he didn’t exactly have a crush on Syren, considering she was an akuma villain and everything, and the thought of her didn’t exactly warm his heart the way Ondine did.

But damn, she was attractive. So very attractive. And he couldn’t deny that.

“Fine,” he mumbled. “Maybe I’m… just a _tiny_ bit… a scalie.”

“HAH!”

“YES!”

Max and Alix high-fived, their smug grins even bigger.

“But you can’t tell anyone!” he whispered, looking around, hoping no one else had overheard. “The only fish I like is Ondine! Well not that Ondine’s a fish, but… you know…”

“I promise I won’t tell anyone,” Max said, at the exact same time that Alix said, “I’m gonna tell everyone I know that you’re a fish-fucker.”

“I am NOT!” Kim ignored the heat rising up his face. “And it doesn’t matter anyway ‘cause Ondine’s a human again now!”

Alix already had her phone out and was typing something on it, a rather evil look on her face. “Yeah, but she can always cosplay…”

“What are you sending her?! Give that to me!”

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding!” She put her phone away again. “I won’t tell anyone. But you have to tell Ondine yourself.”

Kim’s heart sank. “What? No.”

“There’s a high chance she’s already guessed,” Max said. “She could easily have come to the same conclusions we did. And some akuma victims do have hazy memories of what their villain selves did, so it’s possible she might remember you wanting to kiss her.”

Kim pulled his hood over his head far enough until he couldn’t see anything, embarrassment overwhelming him. “Dammit…”

“That being said, there is also a high chance that she’s a scalie too.”

Kim peeked out of his hoodie. “There is?”

“Yes.” Max was failing to hide a smile. “You said that if she had kissed you, you would have turned into a merman, correct? So it seems that you’re not the only one attracted to fishy attributes.”

So Ondine was a scalie too…

Kim breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank god my girlfriend is just as weird as me.”

“So what are you waiting for?” Alix said, giving him a punch in the arm. “Go tell her that!”

“Yeah, maybe I will…” He turned around to leave.

“Oh, and you’re not the only weird one, Max is a furry, he told me he has a crush on Chat Noir so–”

Max hastily clamped a hand over her face to shut her up. “NEVER MIND ABOUT THAT, KIM YOU SHOULD PROBABLY LEAVE NOW…”

Kim chuckled, walking off. Maybe way more people were furries or scalies or _whatever_ than they even realized. At least he wasn’t the only one.

 

 

 

The pool always seemed oddly welcoming these days, even though it was here that Kim had been dragged underwater and almost tempted into staying there forever. He got to see Ondine here, after all. The events of her akumatization hadn’t changed too much at all – well, for Kim, at least. Many other swimmers here seemed to be quite wary of her these days, though they tried to pretend they weren’t. Syren had been the deadliest akuma villain by far without even intending it. It was no wonder the Parisians were still a little on-edge.

Kim, however, didn’t care. He wrote a secret on the piece of paper, stuffed it into the bracelet, and tossed it into the pool as always. Ondine dived in and opened it, reading it aloud.

_“My friends keep calling me a scalie because of the Syren thing…”_ She giggled a little, climbing out of the pool. “You too, huh? My friends are calling me a scalie as well! They say that Syren was my ‘evil hot yandere mersona’, so…”

“Mersona? Is that, like, mermaid fursona or something?”

She shrugged. “I guess so.”

“Well then,” he said, grinning, “seems like your friends are just as annoying as mine.”

“I’m glad they are.” She sat down beside him, taking the pencil and notepad off him to begin writing a secret of her own. “Some people have been really weird around me lately because of the Syren thing, but the truth is I don’t remember much of it. And anyway, loads of people have been akumatized! I don’t really want anyone making a big deal out of it, you know? It’s nice if they just make silly jokes instead. Like calling me a scalie because I turned into a siren.”

Kim nodded along as he watched her write. That bright red fringe of hers was hanging over her forehead as she looked down at the paper, tendrils of loose hair fluttering slightly in the warm pool drafts. He found himself wondering, as he had been doing a lot lately, how he could have taken so long to notice how incredibly fond of her he was. She was everything he could ever want – sweet, kind, gorgeous, funny… and to think that he’d been too hung up on _Chloé_ of all people to notice!

“Your turn now!”

Having finished writing her note, she threw the bracelet into the water and turned to face him with the sweetest smile, the kind that lifted his spirits and quickened his heart beat. He dived under the water before she could spot him blushing.

_“The fair’s coming to town this weekend, you wanna go with me?”_ he read. Then he quickly lowered his face behind the note, knowing he was blushing again. “So what, do we use our secrets game as ways to ask each other on dates now?”

Ondine came and sat down at the poolside. “Well you asked me to the cinema like that, so I thought I’d do it too!”

She was kicking her feet beneath the water, splashing him slightly. Grinning, he grabbed her hand and pulled her into the water with him – something he had done millions of times before, yet usually without this great adrenaline rush that was hitting him for some reason. Ondine laughed and splashed him rather more energetically this time, which only made the adrenaline worse.

“Of course I’ll go to the fair with you,” he said, putting an arm around her shoulders – those wonderful, big, _buff_ shoulders he had always admired. “We can go on all the rides, and I’ll win you a bunch of plush toys from the arcade, and… and…”

“And challenge someone or something to a race?” she asked, winking. “At least I’m guessing there won’t be any panthers there.”

Oh, the panther incident from ages ago! Kim usually tried to forget about that, and also usually tried to forget that it was one of the many, many embarrassing secrets he had told Ondine in their countless games.

“I will never challenge another panther to a race as long as I live,” he said. “But hey, we are in a swimming pool, and I could always challenge _you_ to a race instead…”

Ondine’s watch alarm went off before she could answer, which was probably a good thing, since Kim knew he would lose against her as he had done plenty of times before.

“Sorry, I’ve gotta go now,” she said, putting Kim’s arm back down by his side and pulling herself out of the pool. “I’m meeting up with Renée, I promised her I wouldn’t stop hanging out with her just because I got a boyfriend…”

“I probably should go too, I’m so behind on homework,” Kim admitted. “Though I sometimes wonder if Max won’t care if I don’t hang out with him so much, I mean, he’s got Markov, and Alix, and…”

“Of course Max would care, he’s your best friend!” She perched on the edge of the poolside, looking down at him.

“But he seems really distracted by something lately and he won’t tell me what.”

“Maybe you should ask him about it then?”

“Yeah, maybe…”

Ondine suddenly leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “Anyway, I’ll see you at the fair, sweetie!”

_Sweetie._ Why was that so cute?! Kim allowed himself a dopey smile as he waved at her while she left. Then he leaned on the poolside and covered his blushing face with his hands, hoping no one was looking at him. Ondine was just so precious! How had it taken him so long to notice?

 

 

 

 

“So,” Alix said, sitting down opposite Max and handing him a cup of tea. “What’s bothering you?”

Max stared at the cup and sighed. “Do you have anything stronger? Preferably a beverage with a large concentration of alcohol.”

“What? No! Stop being melodramatic, just drink your tea and tell me what’s wrong.”

He lifted the cup to his lips with shaking hands, only to hastily put it down again when the scalding tea burnt his tongue. “There are three main things causing my current state of… uh… shock. But you can’t tell anyone.”

Alix leaned forward to dunk a biscuit in Max’s tea and took a bite, not bothering to finish before she spoke again. “Do I look like a snitch to you? Of course I’m not gonna tell anyone.”

“Good. That’s why I’m confiding in you instead of Markov. He’s not exactly good at keeping secrets, and anyway, I don’t want to burden him.”

“So you’re burdening me instead.”

“Be quiet and listen!” He took a deep breath. “Alright. The first thing is that technically speaking, I already lost Marinette’s bet a long time ago.”

“The furry-scalie one?”

“Yes, that one. During the time when I went with Kim to the zoo and he challenged the panther to a race, I do recall him saying something along the lines of ‘I’m hotter than your panther’, which would imply that he does have furry tendencies…”

“Or it just implies that he’s an idiot who doesn’t think before he speaks,” Alix suggested. “You do realize that half the stuff he says doesn’t make any sense, right?”

“Of course. But if Marinette knew about this, I know she’d insist that this is proof that she’s won the bet. I didn’t say anything at the time because Animan showed up and I completely forgot for a while, and now it’s been so long that it would be too weird to own up, wouldn’t it? But I feel kind of guilty. It’s like lying by omission.”

“Then just tell her. It’s just a bet, not a huge deal.”

Max looked down nervously. “I don’t have the guts…”

“Wimp.”

“Hey!”

“Well you are!”

He cleared his throat. “There’s more to it than that. The consequences of me losing the bet are that Marinette will tell Chat Noir that I like him. And that will be rather embarrassing.”

Alix grinned, dunking another biscuit in Max’s tea. “How does Marinette even know about that?”

“Same way you do.”

“Oh, so she walked in on you while you were making out with your Chat Noir body pillow and demanded an explanation–”

“Shhhh!”

“Dude, there’s no one around, it’s fine.”

“ANYWAY,” Max said quickly, “moving on. The second thing contributing to my current state is… well… look, don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Kim. He and Ondine are a fantastic, mathematically compatible couple, they’re great. It’s just…”

“It’s just that you thought _you_ were ‘mathematically compatible’ with Kim too, am I right?”

Max smiled a little. “Am I that obvious?”

Alix nodded. “But now this means you can focus on Chat Noir with no distractions.”

“What?!”

“I mean, you like Chat Noir, right? And as far as we know, he’s single. It’s more logical than moping around. So get a move on, you funky little nerd.”

“I suppose it does make sense when you put it like that,” Max admitted. “Maybe your objective point of view might help me. I tend to react to things very illogically when it comes to matters of the heart.”

“So I’m your wing-girl now? Cool.”

Max gave his tea a half-hearted stir, still not drinking any. “Now for the third thing. This one is the most important, most shocking, and most secret of all.”

“Pfffft, sure,” Alix said, just grabbing Max’s teacup and taking a swig from it herself. “What, did you discover Ladybug’s secret identity or something?”

“Yes,” Max said. “She’s Marinette Dupain-Cheng.”

Alix, halfway through another mouthful of tea, spit it out right over the table. “WHAT????”

“Ladybug is Marinette,” Max repeated. “I caught her detransforming earlier today. She told me not to tell anyone.”

Alix put the tea down, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. “Then why the hell are you telling me?!”

“I… uh… look, I need to freak out at _someone_ about it, okay? And I have an aloof, composed reputation that I don’t want to break, especially not to Marinette, who also happens to be the city’s coolest superhero, so… so that’s why I’m telling you!” He crossed his arms. “Don’t take it as any personal indication of trust or anything, okay? I just needed to tell someone and you happened to be around.”

She simply ignored that last part, far too surprised at the revelation that her own classmate was a superhero. “So Marinette’s Ladybug, huh… _Marinette_ … who can’t even walk down a corridor without tripping over…”

“Perhaps that’s a ruse,” Max said.

“Yeah, true.” She sat back, thinking. “Holy shit, you’re right, she does look like Ladybug, doesn’t she? And she hasn’t been akumatized yet, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen her talk to Ladybug… Jeez Max, maybe warn me next time before dropping a bombshell like that? I almost had a heart attack.”

“Well how do you think I felt when I saw it happen in front of my own eyes?”

“Fine, I get now why you wanted a drink.”

“Speaking of drinks,” Max said, glaring at Alix as he watched her take another sip of tea, “I believe that’s mine.”

“Hey, it’s not like you were drinking it.”

“Because it was too hot.”

“Oh, you mean like Chat Noir?”

“Alix!”

She laughed, putting the cup down and sliding it over to him. “So anyway, if Marinette’s Ladybug, does that make her a… I don’t know, a crawlie? Ladybug’s basically her bugsona, right?”

“I suppose so,” Max said, a reluctant smile sliding onto his face.

“Wow. So many of our classmates have been afflicted with the furry curse. The… the Furse.”

“What about you?”

“Hah! I’m not a furry, or a scalie, or an anything. No fursonas, nothing. Unlike the rest of you weirdos.”

He leaned forwards, a rather smug grin on his face. “I could prove you wrong.”

“No you couldn’t.”

“I could. But I won’t. For now.”

He sat back again, finally taking a sip of the tea. Alix watched him apprehensively – what did he mean? _What did he know?_


End file.
